Lesson #15-Keep your conversation on the low

Here is the thing. When it comes to subway etiquette, I could spend hours talking about it, especially when it comes to the proper ways of conversing with a fellow passenger. However, this particular one is just so beyond me that I had to use it as a lesson to really stress how not ok it is. 

It was an evening like any other. I waited for the train at Harvard station, trying to tune out the noises around me. Once the train arrived, I piled in along with all the other passengers, took my seat and waited for something magical to happen - you know, so I could write about it. I guess instead of getting on the train, I had accidentally stumbled upon a business meeting in a conference room. 

There they were, two businessmen, sitting across from each other, three feet of table between them discussing what the next strategically sound move would be for the company. Yea, not so much. You see, this is right around the time that you usually wake up and realize it was all just a dream, because the businessmen were just a couple of middle aged guys in jeans, the three feet of table was just the aisle in the train and the strategically sound move they were discussing was whether or not beer was the right drink of choice for their party. You're talking about beer across the aisle on the subway!!! What the hell is the matter with you?

First of all, no conversations should take place across the aisle. Sit next to each other and talk. I understand that it might be uncomfortable for two guys to sit shoulder to shoulder and have a discussion, thighs touching, but that is how it is done on the subway! If you don't like it, wait to get off the train to chat. No one is interested in hearing what you have to say, least of all when of all the topics in the world, you choose to have a discussion on beer! Second of all, what if I am forced to stand in between the two of you as a result of a full train. Are you going to continue to talk through me? Am I going to have to move to accommodate? I shouldn't have to, don't you think?

So there you have lesson #15. Simply put, if you are going to have a conversation, don't do it across opposite ends of the train. 

Lesson #14- Don't read another's newspaper

I am always surprised to see how people completely forget how to behave the minute they get on the train. Watching people out of their human element is just fascinating. When you think you've see it all, you'll be pleasantly surprised if you travel the T on a Friday afternoon. 

It was a surprisingly full train, traveling from Davis Square to Central Square. Most of the seats were occupied. A scholarly looking gentleman, with a Godfather demeanor was sitting directly to the right of the door, reading a newspaper. Nothing was happening. This was slowly turning into the most uneventful ride ever. By God, I spoke too soon. Two stops before I was due to get off, another gentleman boarded the train. Since there was nowhere for him to sit, he stood just inside the door, ending up next to the Godfather, the newspaper reader. Well, what do you know! 

As soon as the doors shut, the new-comer positioned himself directly above the Godfather so that he could also read the newspaper. I have a knack for sensing when something is going to happen and this was definitely one of those times. All of a sudden, things  were going to get interesting. At first, the Godfather didn't notice the man hovering above him, but it's pretty hard when you have someone a mere inches away, breathing down your neck. He noticed. Watching the registration of what was happening on his face was magical. He really was the Godfather! With the subtlest, deadliest twitch of his right eyebrow, he calmly began to turn his head in order to refocus his gaze off the paper and onto the man above him. And with that one look, his point was made - in other words, what the hell are you doing? Get off!!!

I was actually thinking the same thing. What would prompt a complete stranger into thinking it was perfectly normal to read someone else's newspaper? It's not like this is something that everyone does. It is just not ok - EVER! I can only assume that the man got the point and averted his eyes elsewhere or even moved, but it was my time to get off and I couldn't watch the ending. Maybe one of you can let me know what happened. 

So there you have lesson #14. Simply put, do not, under any circumstances, read another person's newspaper unless you have their permission. 

Lesson #13- Don't get too close

For the most part, the subway is a pretty loud place, especially when the windows have been cracked open on the trains. Trying to have a mind stimulating conversation is rather difficult seeing as how it is hard to hear over all the rattling and screeching that comes from the trains. This presents a dilemma - do you just keep quiet and have the conversation once you have gotten off the train or do you get into a shouting match? Personally, I would wait. I guess the guy I was traveling with the other night chose a third option. 

Leaning a mere couple of inches away from my face, he proceeded to scream his end of the conversation right in my face. I couldn't look away, because eye contact is an important part of having one, but at the same time, I was on the receiving end of a spit shower and I was not very happy about that. What to do? What to do? Pretend you still cannot hear and instead of being face to face, turn ear to face. That is exactly what I did. Making my best I-can't-hear-you face, I tilted my chin towards him, exposing the side of my face. That way I wouldn't have to taste his breath on my face and I would hear everything he had to say. The problem is that now I was expected to reciprocate, which would mean I had to end up face to face again. I didn't want him to get the spit shower treatment in return. 

The problem was that he didn't seem as uncomfortable as I was. In fact, he was happy to have this "close encounter." Well, I wasn't. So, I tried a number of things. First, I tried talking at him with my face pointing down as much as possible without breaking eye contact. When that wasn't working, I tried to talk towards the direction of his ear, hoping that he would get the hint and turn his face, exposing it. Nope! That didn't work either. Oh my God!!! Come on! I had one more stop until it was time to get off. So I improvised. I started buttoning my coat, gathering my things - anything but having to utter another word. Then with a quick "This is my stop. See ya." I jumped up and made for the door. Thank God that was over. Remind me never to sit next to someone who wants to chat. 

So there you have lesson #13. Simply put, don't get too close when having a conversation or you might send the other jolting for the exit. 

Lesson #12-Don't lean on other passengers

Its bad enough that the seats on the subway are designed for people that wear a size 2 and have a shoulder width of like a foot. What makes it worse is if you end up sitting next to someone that has obviously just left a party and is - let's just say- tired. 

So I understand that at 8pm on a Wednesday evening, especially that it gets dark at 4pm these day, could trigger the brain to demand nap time, but you have to realize that you are in the presence of other people. And it's not that I'm some anti-nap monster. I personally love napping. It's the best - just not when you end up being the cushion that someone (who could be drunk by the way) leans on, whilst dozing off on the subway. Oh dear God. I'm thinking he is going to throw up all over me any second now. I begin to sweat, my breathing quickens and I start getting light headed. 

And it's not like I can move. I'm already squeezed between this drunk and another lady, who's jacket is creeping its way onto my arm. So my animal instincts kick in. I imagine that I am a giraffe - that my neck is very long. I start inching my way up and away and all of a sudden, I'm a turtle, retracting back into my shell and just before my face completely disappears, jacket-lady gets off, leaving me with an escape route. Now, I am a snail, crawling my way towards the open space...

My plan would have worked, but sleepy on my left was now leaning 75% of his weight on me, so the more I moved to the right, the more of him was ending up on me. So now I was in a bit of a situation. Either I keep moving, causing him to pretty much end up in my lap or just sit as still as I can until his stop is announced and he leaves. Luckily, while I was deciding whether or not I wanted a stranger in my lap, he woke up and got off at his stop. Would have been nice of him to apologize. 

So there you have lesson #12. Simply put, try to sit somewhere where you are not going to upset the person you end up leaning on if you are tired (or drunk!)

Lesson #11- Hold on when its wet

First of all, if you have one of those umbrellas that is long enough to be your walking stick, good for you. I'm sure it keeps you very dry. However, if you plan on traveling with it on the subway, get rid of it immediately and invest in one that can fold up to forearm length and keep it as close to your body as you possibly can once you get into the train, because getting rained on inside the train is not my idea of a modern day miracle - it's my idea of like the worst time ever! I guess it wouldn't be so bad if my route stayed below ground the entire time, but no. 

You see, I happen to take the Green line trip to Cleveland Circle, most of which happens above ground. So with each person that has been soaking in the rain waiting for the train that gets on and the more they proceed to portray what can only be described as a wet dog shaking itself dry, causing rain drops to fall on my head, the more irritated I get and the wetter the floor gets resulting in a rather slippery surface. 

Which brings me to my second point. If the floor is wet, do not use your oversized umbrella to lean on, because it will result in you slipping and jabbing the end of your pointy, massive rain guard into someone's foot! And yes, you can apologize all you want and the victim will probably smile politely and brush it off as an accident, but trust me, they will want to snap you and your umbrella over their knee and throw the pieces off at the next stop. 

Well, what do you know? That is exactly what happened the other evening and yes, you guessed right, I was the victim. (You'd think I would actually ever travel with an large umbrella! Come on now!) We were approaching Coolidge Corner and the conductor had just announced that from this point on, the train will go express to Cleveland Circle. In other words, no stops in between. So, of course, everyone rushes to the doors before the train even has a chance to come to a complete stop. Since my destination is Cleveland Circle, I stay put. 

The events that take place within the next couple of seconds can only be described as life's way of punishing me for making fun of some girl's outfit in my head two minutes prior. The train comes to an abrupt stop, sending the lady who has been leaning on her umbrella flying across the train, slipping and sliding as she goes, all the while trying to regain balance using her umbrella. She finally gains control by grabbing onto the provided railing (by the way lady, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR!!!) with one hand and pulling herself up using her umbrella as a crutch with the other, the end of which ends up jammed in my foot! She got me right square on the big toe of my left foot! Oh for God's sake! Let's just say she was lucky she was getting off the train and I was staying on.  What the hell was she thinking?!

So there you have lesson #11. Simply put, hold on to the provided RAILING until the train has come to a complete stop, especially when it has been raining or you might end up hurting someone. Oh and get a smaller umbrella to travel with. 

Lesson #10 -Don't take up two seats

What is up with taking up two seats? I understand that sitting next to a complete stranger for twenty minutes isn't the perfect way to spend Wednesday evening, but come on!!!

It's fascinating watching the interaction between people that are getting on the train and ones that are already sitting down in it. The minute the sitters spot their potential seat-sharing buddies, as if on cue, their eyes either shoot to the floor, to their phone, to their books - anywhere, but the eyes of the people getting on the train. As if the lack of eye contact is going to stop someone who wants to sit down from sitting down next to them. 

You see, the young man that sparked this lesson considered himself a genius. He had occupied the seat next to him with his gym bag and then closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep, so that no one would bother him. Is that not the best idea ever?! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

I mean, what the hell gives anyone the right to take up two seats like that? You're absolutely right! Nothing! First of all, a young, healthy man shouldn't be sitting at all. He should be standing up, giving up his seat for those that actually need to sit. There were definitely more seat-qualified passengers on that train. Second of all, if he is just utterly drop dead tired, fine, he can sit his tired ass down, but under no circumstances should he ever occupy the adjacent seat with his bags. Those belong on the floor, or on your lap, buddy. 

So there you have lesson #10. Simply put, don't take up two seats with yourself, (if you can help it,) and definitely not with your bags. 

Lesson #9- Be ready to get off

Personally,  I can't wait to get off the subway. In fact, I am so ready that I am usually clutching my bag, ready to leap for the open doors. I guess there are others that see the subway as a place to catch up on reading, take a nap - generally just enjoy spending time in the metal box that is the train. What's the deal? I mean it's pretty filthy! Packed with smelly, farting-spitting-whistlers that make noise and generally behave like they were born during the caveman era. Who wants to take a nap with all that circulating in the air? Not me!

The gentleman that was in the seat opposite mine on the Green Line the other night seemed very comfortable, reading his paper. It must have been really interesting, since he didn't realize that the train had stopped at his stop. Watching his face change from calm and collected to utter panic when the stop was announced was like being at the movies. I found myself on the edge of my seat - waiting for how the scene was going to end. The more he panicked, the more committed I became to watching. 

Scrunching his fully opened newspaper into a big ball of ink and processed tree, he threw it across the train, jumped up, grabbing everything he could at once: coat, shopping bag, briefcase, umbrella, someone else's coat! It was crazy. Running for the door, everything switched into a slow motion picture. The woman who's coat he grabbed flew out of her seat to stop the man making for the about-to-close doors. "That's nooot yoouur's!" 

Whipping around, the man threw her coat at her, the slow motion picture morphed into real time, he made it to the edge of the doors, down the first step, down the second, the doors closed, grazing his shoulders, but he was in the clear. The train continued on its way, everything was silent and only his hat lay in the aisle. What a great scene. 

So there you have lesson #9. Simply put, anticipate your stop and be ready to get off or you might leave something behind. 

Lesson # 32-Don't bring alcohol

The subway train is not a party, the invitation of which states BYOB. It is a means of travel. I understand that as a college kid, pre-gaming is economical and just as fun as being at a party. Hell, I'm a fan of pre-gaming myself. There are place for that and the subway train full of all sorts of people is not one of them, especially if you're going to leave your unfinished beverages under the seating section, the content of which will undoubtedly spill and stink up the whole place.
Yup, it was a friday evening. I was returning from the theater when I happen to choose the one section that was polluted with college kids, having returned from their winter breaks. Crowded around each other, they drank their beers, laughed and generally behaved as though no one else existed. Two stops later, they began piling out. I didn't realize how many of them there were until the train doors closed and all that was left were the half empty cans they left behind, oozing beer onto the floor. Other than that, I was one of five remaining passengers. None of us were impressed. What are you going to do? Kids are kids, right? Besides that, I guess there is simply nothing left to say.
So there you have lesson # 32. Simply put, don't pre game on the subway and if you do, have the decency to clean up after yourself.

Lesson #8- Be aware

Let's face it. Unless you are high, nothing keeps you laughing for 25 whole minutes non stop. Or apparently, if you are an out-of-country twenty year old boy, his friend, and a set of events that are anything but funny. 

You know those areas on the train that are designated for people in wheelchairs. Personally, I like to stand there and lean against the window when I take the T. That is exactly what I was doing the other day on the Green Line. Turns out, I was holding up the entire train since I didn't realize that there was a woman in her wheelchair behind me, waiting for me to move from her designated spot. Oh dear!

She couldn't talk and, apparently, nor could anyone else! Its relatively simple! You see this situation unfolding, you bring it to my attention, I move, the woman in the wheelchair takes her spot and no one is left embarrassed. But no...

Evidently, it was way more entertaining to wait and see how long I would be completely unaware of what was going on before I realized that the train wasn't moving, turned around and found myself face-to-face with the woman in the wheelchair not being able to get me to move out of her designated spot. 

First, all the blood in my body rushed to my face and I found myself blushing purple! Then came the apology, which consisted of me placing my hand on my heart and croaking out a pathetic "I'm so sorry." Following the apology came and awkward shuffle to another spot on the train. Since there really wasn't a lot of space to begin with, the best I could do was to move a mere foot away, giving her just enough room to position her chair so that it was safe for the train to continue on its way. 

At this point, I stared at the two adolescent imbeciles who sat across throughout this entire escapade, not having said a word and barked "You could have f$%#king told me!" This is when the laughing began and for 25 minutes (I kid you not!) they talked and laughed - I'm assuming about me and my lack of awareness. I guess you can never rely on anyone but yourself on the subway. 

So there you have lesson #8. Simply put, always be aware of your surrounding or you might end up embarrassing yourself. 

Lesson #31-Hold on to your children

No one said that having children would be easy. They require constant supervision, they make a lot of unnecessary noise. Hell, most of the time you don't even know what it is that they want. Nevertheless, they are also bundles of joy and are your responsibility, the requirements of which seem to vary from person to person. I don't have children myself, but I am going to go on a whim here and assume that their safety should be your number one priority. I'm going to keep going - go on a another whim and say that the subway is probably not the safest place for a child to be, especially when their parent isn't paying enough attention.
It was a pretty uneventful day and I was ready to pass it off as just that. You know, it's true what they say. Things will happen when you least expect them to. Well I guess I really wasn't expecting anything, because I was able to witness a rather entertaining chain of events. It all started when a young mother boarded the Orange Line, child by her side. The train was pretty packed. She found a seat and sat down. Her child remained standing, holding on to the mothers knees. For the most part, the subway operators are able to operate the train so that the ride turns out a smooth one. However, you do get the occasional nascar driver turned subway operator, in which case, it really is best to hold on...at all times. Since a little child isn't capable of holding on, the mother should have been gripping for dear life, because our operator was on fire. Every stop consisted of a loud screech, followed by the synchronized side to side of the passengers, recovering from the sudden halt.
For the first two stops, the mother was doing a pretty good job of almost not letting her child shoot across the train. On the third, she was too busy looking at her phone. The other passengers, having already gotten used to the roughness of our operator braised themselves and tightened their grips as we approached Downtown Crossing. The mother did not. Her child did not shoot across like I thought he might, but he definitely flew for a good section of the seating area to the "Oh my Gods!" of the worried mother and the others. The child was shocked and crying, but he was alright. I don't know. I just don't know.
So there you have Lesson #31. Simply put, hold on to your child at all times, or they might literally fly away from you.

Lesson #30 - Don't block the seating area

The train came to a stop and three young, full-of-life girls got on. They could have been twin sister for all knew - dressed the same, Uggs over leggings, hair pulled back to the side, puffy jackets proudly displayed. Another accessory I was not accustomed to seeing was the big black bag on wheels. They were either going on a trip or coming back from one. That was the only thing I was unsure of. Everything else was clear as day. Whatever they were talking about was way too important and made the fact that they were getting on a train simply something they were doing. Lugging their overweight bags in beside them, blocking other passengers' view of what seats were available, they just continued to spew words at each other without so much as a pause to hear what the other way saying. The further they continued, the louder the conversation got. The louder it got, the higher their pitches seem to get and, at one point, all I could hear were the occasional "Oh my Gods!" and "Shut ups!"
It is just great to be young and full of energy, I thought. But now, to get back to reality - if you are not going to sit in the provided seats on the subway, do not find a section of empty seats and proceed to block it by standing there, chit chatting like you're at a bar. For six stops, these fairies yappered on about the joys of being young and beautiful, oblivious to the fact that there was an older population of riders needing to sit down. I wouldn't have been so upset if they were actually sitting in those seats, but they weren't even using them. Ladies, shut up for like a second. Look around and realize what you are doing. MOVE! Then you can proceed to continue the ever-so-engaging conversation for as long as you want.
So there you have lesson #30. Simply put, if you are going to board the subway as a group, make sure you don't end up blocking the seating area for those of us that actually need it.

Lesson #29-Wait until everyone has gotten off

It is a relatively known fact that the subway revolves around the concept of the survival of the fittest. However, within that concept are things that allow for a certain level of structure. For instance, when the train pulls up and the doors open, it is common courtesy to let all the passengers wanting to get off the train, get off and only then proceed the grueling process of getting on. And just in case any of you were unaware of the fact that the train operator will not leave the platform until all the people waiting to get on the train are on, I just told you, so now you have no excuse.
In any case, there are still some people that are unaware of the simple concept of waiting until everyone has gotten off before getting on, so this recital of a recent Red Line event will attempt to put some things in perspective- an attempt to educate perhaps. Once the stop is announced, those that are going to get off begin to gather their things and start heading for the door. The same can be observed on the other side. Once the train arriving is announces, those that are going to get on begin to gather their things and start heading for the door. When the doors open, there seems to be a malfunction with the machine that is the subway and both groups move towards each other, causing friction, which in turn results in tension, which undoubtedly ends in an act of violence.
A rather ballsy asian lady, weighing in at no more than 120 pounds began pushing her way onto oncoming traffic at the Red Line stop - Central Square. Unfortunately for her, those that were getting off were way more eager to get off than those that were wanting to get on. That fact, combined with her tiny frame did not make for an even battle. She made it halfway inside the train, when a group of latecomers, rushing to get off, forced her out again, causing her to bang into the side of the train. With a hurt look and an under-the-breath "Ouch", she pulled back and joined the others, waiting patiently to get on the train.
So there you have lesson # 29. Simply put, wait until everyone has gotten off before getting on, or you might end up getting hurt.

Lesson #28-Try not to use your phone

Not so long ago, the telephone was known simply as a means of communication. Today, it is an essential part of our everyday lives. It is hard to imagine life without one. With that in mind, it is not at all surprising that the subway is filled with passengers on their phones, either using it to text, to listen to music or to have ridiculously loud and unnecessary conversations on. I understand that there are times in ones life where a phone conversation is a matter of life or death. Describing the events of a party one went to is not one of those times.
Actually, it is better to keep your mouth shut the entire duration of your journey on the subway for the mere simple fact that no one is really interested in hearing what you have to say. Of course, you just happen to be one of those few people that simply doesn't care who is around at the time of a conversation, the details of which must be spilled at that precise moment in time.
I would like to point out, in the hope that this might make you change your mind, that since nine out of ten times the conversation is loud enough to be heard on the other end of the cart, those around are forced to listen to whatever it is you are saying. The smart ones bring their Ipods and try to tune out the noise that is your phone conversation by blaring their music as loud as their ears will take it, which contributes to the already noisy environment. Thanx for that!
If the fact that you are forcing people to listen to your conversation isn't enough to make you wait the five minutes until you get off, then you can approach the whole situation from a different angle. By talking loudly on your phone, you are attracting attention to yourself. The interesting thing is that the minute someone glances over at the person who is talking, that person lowers their voice and looks away, as if embarrassed, not wanting to be noticed. Hello! Why don't you just not attract the attention in the first place? That way no one will even know you are there.
So there you have lesson #28. Simply put, if you can avoid it, try not to use your phone, or you might end up attracting unnecessary attention.

Lesson #27-Don't open carbonated beverages

This is one of those many instances in life when you think that it will never happen to you. Of course you know better, but the lack of life experience and naivety kick in and you think "what the hell," it won't happen to me. Let me tell you, it most probably will. Especially when we are referring to something that can be scientifically proven. Simple physics. Here goes. If you have a can of soda and it has been shaken up, when you open it, the content of it will ALWAYS come spewing out into your face, onto your clothes and even onto those around you.

This was one of those moments - the one we always pray for. The one where someone else's stupidity results in total humiliation, which turns into a form of entertainment for us. So there she was, Barbie herself, all done up right and proper, heading somewhere fancy I presumed. She had the whole number down; chewing bubble gum, blowing bubbles, clicking her fake, manicured fingernails against each other, looking around, not able to sit still. When her bubble gum flavor finally wore off, she decided to get rid of it and replace it with something else. Reaching in her bag, she retrieved two items: a piece of used gum wrapping, which she wrapped around her gum and threw back in her bag and a can of diet (go figure) soda.

I knew what was going to happen next, so, naturally, I watched. If you have ever used a big shoulder bag like she was using, you would know too. There is so much space in there, that even if you pack it with everything you could possible think off, there is still enough space for a can of soda to shift around and around and around. You get the idea. Tapping her finger on top of the can, she almost seemed to be entirely sure that once she popped the can open, the soda wouldn't spill. Boy oh boy, was she wrong. The sheer force with which the content of that can came spewing out was awesome. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. It went EVERYWHERE! Mostly on her face, but also all over the font of her shirt, onto her pants and a little onto the person sitting directly to the right of her. It was my time to get off the train, so I didn't see how she attempted to clean that up, but all I wanted to say was, "What were you thinking?"

So there you have lesson #27. Simply put, don't open a carbonated beverage when it has been laying around in your bag, especially if you are going somewhere fancy.

Lesson #7- Don't get too comfortable

The subway is not your home. There is no need to get comfortable. In fact, it is highly encouraged to be uptight and timid. Leaning sideways against a chair, feet up on the seat next to you, leaning your elbow against the seat railing by your shoulder is not proper subway behavior for a number of reasons. 

First of all, I don't ever want to see you crotch area, ever when it is covered by the fabric of your pants. Unfortunately, the minute you place one knee on the seat next to you and leave the other planted on the floor, that will happen. Second of all, the vibe you send by sitting like that is one of arrogance and self indulgence and, trust me, no one likes an arrogant, self indulgent person. 

So you put the two together, and you have a self indulging, arrogant, crotch-exposing prick! No thank you! Instead, may I suggest that you sit with your back touching the back of the seat, keep your feet on the ground (unless you are crossing your legs,) and place your hands on your lap. 

Finally, keep in mind that by appearing comfortable, you are making the other passengers very uncomfortable. Watching someone else spread across two seats makes the fact that I am sitting in my seat upright and motionless that much more painful. It's like am I being too uptight or is the crotch exposing monster being too relaxed? (Come to think of it, maybe he was drunk?) Regardless, let's not forget the subway rules. Let's not get too comfortable. 

So there you have lesson #7. Simply put, don't get too comfortable, as it will make those around you rather uncomfortable. 

Lesson #26-Keep your music low

It seems as though music has become quite unavoidable. It's everywhere you go - even in places you would least expect it. Naturally, I find myself exposed to the tunes in the subway. Don't get me wrong, I know you get the occasional performer down there, playing their music for money, but rarely so you ever expect to hear a tune while on the actual train. Not true if you ride the T in Boston. Apparently that is the place to go if you want to hear what is in and hot right now and it's all thanks to the people that carry around an i pod and, as far as I can tell, have trouble hearing.

I understand that when riding the subway, the easiest way to make the experience somewhat bearable is to tune everyone out by plugging your ears with earphones, cranking up the volume and jamming out to whatever music calms your senses, makes you forget about everything around you or whatever it is that music does to you. What I don't understand is what makes you think that everyone else should be forced to listen to it as well. I mean, come on! I'm guessing you are doing it for one of two reasons. You either have trouble hearing, which I guess would kind of, sort of make it okay, or you are simply an inconsiderate person, the latter of which I definitely do NOT condone.

I just find it hard to comprehend how someone not only tolerates that amount of noise shooting into their ears, but how the total absence of consideration for others doesn't register as, well sort of utterly inhuman. I'm going to go ahead and make the following assumption- When you listen to music loud enough to literally blow your brains out, you are going to lose the ability to register what is normal and what is not. So maybe laying off the loud music wouldn't be such a bad idea. Especially given the fact that there are other people forced to travel with you that definitely do not want to have to listen to whatever music YOU are in the mood to listen to.

So there you have Lesson #26. Simply put, turn the volume on your i pod down so that those around you are not forced to listen to it.

Lesson #25- Give up your seat

This is one of those rare occasions where I won't point out an inexplicable behavior, the loss of common sense or a lack of general awareness. On the contrary, I will dedicate this entry to the young man who was kind enough to give up his seat to someone who actually needed it. Now I know there are a number of arguments that can be made for why no one should feel pressured into giving up their seat, but I won't spend my time and effort speaking on their behalf. It's just simply not worth it. Instead, I will try to describe an event that restored my faith in humanity - if only for a bit.

Just briefly though - If you think it is normal to be sitting down when someone who could obviously use your seat more remains standing, I'll simply state the fact that I personally think there is something seriously wrong with you.

Where were we? Oh yes, the event. Having paid his fare upon getting on the train, an older gentleman began scanning the cart for empty seats, all the while trying to maneuver himself through, holding as steady as he could even with the jerky motion of the rocking train. Having passed seven rows of young, healthy, able bodied individuals, he was still on his feet. I promised myself that if he still hadn't found a seat by the time he got to me, I would give mine up. I had just about given up on humanity, when the young man sitting in front of me stood up and insisted that the elderly gentleman sit down. At first, he stood strong, claiming that he didn't need the seat, that he was alright. However, after another few seconds of reassurance from the young man, the gentleman was in his seat. 

After sending at least ten, maybe fifteen thank you's, the older gentleman said something that really struck a chord. He said "This doesn't happen that often, you know..." and as much as it pains me to admit this, I knew he was right. 

So there you have lesson #25. Simply put, give up your seat to those that need it, especially when you know you don't.

Lesson #24- Keep your voice down

Alright, there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for why I should be able to hear a conversation you are having three seats away! And here is the real whammy... Nothing you have to say is important, interesting or entertaining. Trust me! In fact, I am willing to bet that whoever is on the receiving end of your mindless chattering feels the exact same way. And I understand that the subway is a loud place, that this might just be the only time you can have this conversation and that you just absolutely need to have it right then and there, but then you need to understand the following...

YOU ARE IN A CONFINED PUBLIC PLACE! A metal container filled with people! People that do NOT care about anything you have to say! And that, my friend, is not an exaggeration. It is a fact. Hmmm, let's define the word. "...something that exists...something you can not argue with..." Ok, perhaps that is my own definition, but still, it's pretty much right on. And it's not like you can just be tuned out. Maybe they should provide everyone with a complementary set of ear plugs in an effort to make our ride more bearable! I apologize. I seem to have lost my temper a little. Give me a second to catch my breath. 

All right. I can see that my rant is probably not going to stop anyone from conversing in the subway, especially when you are traveling with someone you know. However, I strongly encourage you to keep your voice down. Of course that might mean that you have to get closer to the one you are talking to and things like that which might make the train ride more uncomfortable for you, but you have to remember that we live in a society where people are brought up to be considerate to those around us. Ha ha ha ha. I know, I know, I've gone too far. I'll just leave you with a thought...the louder you are, the more obnoxious you seem and the more people around you are going to resent you. Is that really what you want?

So there you have lesson #24. Simply put, keep your voice down so that people aren't forced to listen to your conversation or you might end up being resented.

Lesson # 23- Don't stare

No matter how slick you think you are, I can always tell when someone is staring at me. And if I can, so can most other people. It's a little something called reflection. Yes, exactly! You got it! There are windows all around the trains in the subway making it really easy to see when someone is eyeing you out. I have been stared at on the subway by different people for various different reasons, I assume. It has ranged from a pervert checking out my ass to a girl judging my outfit to a child that just hasn't been taught that staring at people is just plain rude. 

The interesting thing is that people stare only because they think they can - that the person they are staring has no way of catching them. WRONG! Even though we don't have eyes on the back of our heads, most of the time is spent looking at the window directly in front (to avoid eye contact with other passengers.) Through a very simple concept I like to call reflection, it is relatively simple to figure out that, as the "starer", you can still be seen even though you are not face to face with your "staree". You know, through the reflection in the window. 

Once the "starers" have figured that out, they get smart with it by trying to incorporate a side stare into their repertoire. And again, even though were are not built like horses, with eyes on the side of our faces, there is a simple way to use the windows to detect a "starer". It is the exact same idea as the one mentioned above. All you have to do is turn your head to adjust your line of vision. Instead of looking straight ahead, look at the window at an angle. You will be able to see a lot more of the train and you will catch someone trying to side stare at you. 

Finally, when you have located whoever it is that is starting at you, do me a favor, turn to face them head on and let them know that you can see them looking at you and just watch their reaction. It really is priceless. 

So there you have lesson #23. Simply put, don't stare because even if you think you are being discreet about it, there are many ways to get caught. 

Lesson #6-No PDA

PDA - Public Display of Affection. There's a double standard! When you are the one that's displaying it, you love PDA. When you are the one experiencing someone else's PDA, not so much. 

So call me selfish, call me jealous, call me what you want, but I do not want someone else's passion to be thrown in my face, especially while I am on the subway. Subways are for traveling from one place to another physically... not emotionally (if you know what I mean.) And its not that I don't mind witnessing the beginning of young love, or an older couple holding hands. That just simply wasn't the case for the couple I was caught watching on the Red Line the other day. Holding hands is one thing. Eating someone's face is a completely different game. So, please, wait until you are in a more private setting to get your passion on. 

And here's another thing. At what point did people all of a sudden crave for attention on the subway? What happened to the bubble? You know, the one that makes you invisible to anyone else. Doesn't everyone have one while they're on the subway? Wouldn't they just rather not be seen by any other subway riders? Apparently I didn't get the memo which promotes behavior that will burst the invisible bubble and encourages things like PDA. I'll check my trash. Maybe I threw it away.

So there you have lesson #6. Simply put, don't display your affection for each other on the subway. 

Lesson #5- Don't leave your fly down

There is nothing worse than being unaware of something that makes you the target of conversation for those around you and having no one to warn you about it. Whether its having something in your teeth, or up your nose, or on your face. It makes it ten times worse when that is happening on the subway. 

People who ride the subway tend to tune out everyone else's existence the minute they step onto the platform. There are no friends down there. There is an impenetrable protective bubble that forms around every single individual. No one wants to be bothered. No one wants to be disturbed. And no one wants to bother or disturb any one else. 

So, of course, when the girl who was sitting across from me on the Green Line, C train got up at her stop, fly down, she was out of luck. I wanted to say something, but those are not the subway rules. I can't break the bubble and connect with another human on the subway. So I had to watch her exude confidence with her fly down for everyone to see. I guess I could say she deserved it. I mean, its relatively simple to keep your fly closed. You do your business, pull your pants up, close the button and zip up the fly - its the entire routine. Not exactly rocket science!

So there you have your lesson #5. Simply put, remember to zip up after putting your pants on before you get on the subway. 

Lesson #4-Don't chime in on another conversation

You know how sometimes you find yourself listening in on another conversation and you think something is funny or silly or stupid or whatever and you end up wanting to put your two cents in, have a reaction, make a face etc. Please don't! Apparently people don't like that too much. 

For the most part, it was an empty train. A reader on the right, a sleeper on the left. Nothing too spectacular. I was positioned right in the middle of the cart; in on all the action. In some seats directly in front of me, facing each other, two men (early 30s) engaged in an intense, energetic discussion about college football. Being a fan of such discussion, I paid some attention. At first, I was just listening. Shortly after, however, I found myself watching them as well. Looking from one to the other whenever they spoke. I was totally engaged. 

I don't think they would have minded seeing as how they weren't aware of anyone else's existence. Unfortunately, I found one of their comments particularly interesting and decided to share an opinion of my own. WRONG MOVE. Wow! Their conversation came to an abrupt end as they shot menacing glances my way. I froze. There was an awkward pause, because I managed to croak a polite "I'm sorry. Please continue your discussion."

What the hell was I supposed to do now?  I had another 15 minutes on the train and I couldn't exactly move. That would make things more awkward. Luckily, they got off over the next two stops and my embarrassing situation was over. From now on, I am minding my own business...always!

So there you have lesson #4. Simply put, don't throw your two cents in on another conversation.