Lesson #31-Hold on to your children

No one said that having children would be easy. They require constant supervision, they make a lot of unnecessary noise. Hell, most of the time you don't even know what it is that they want. Nevertheless, they are also bundles of joy and are your responsibility, the requirements of which seem to vary from person to person. I don't have children myself, but I am going to go on a whim here and assume that their safety should be your number one priority. I'm going to keep going - go on a another whim and say that the subway is probably not the safest place for a child to be, especially when their parent isn't paying enough attention.
It was a pretty uneventful day and I was ready to pass it off as just that. You know, it's true what they say. Things will happen when you least expect them to. Well I guess I really wasn't expecting anything, because I was able to witness a rather entertaining chain of events. It all started when a young mother boarded the Orange Line, child by her side. The train was pretty packed. She found a seat and sat down. Her child remained standing, holding on to the mothers knees. For the most part, the subway operators are able to operate the train so that the ride turns out a smooth one. However, you do get the occasional nascar driver turned subway operator, in which case, it really is best to hold on...at all times. Since a little child isn't capable of holding on, the mother should have been gripping for dear life, because our operator was on fire. Every stop consisted of a loud screech, followed by the synchronized side to side of the passengers, recovering from the sudden halt.
For the first two stops, the mother was doing a pretty good job of almost not letting her child shoot across the train. On the third, she was too busy looking at her phone. The other passengers, having already gotten used to the roughness of our operator braised themselves and tightened their grips as we approached Downtown Crossing. The mother did not. Her child did not shoot across like I thought he might, but he definitely flew for a good section of the seating area to the "Oh my Gods!" of the worried mother and the others. The child was shocked and crying, but he was alright. I don't know. I just don't know.
So there you have Lesson #31. Simply put, hold on to your child at all times, or they might literally fly away from you.

Lesson #30 - Don't block the seating area

The train came to a stop and three young, full-of-life girls got on. They could have been twin sister for all knew - dressed the same, Uggs over leggings, hair pulled back to the side, puffy jackets proudly displayed. Another accessory I was not accustomed to seeing was the big black bag on wheels. They were either going on a trip or coming back from one. That was the only thing I was unsure of. Everything else was clear as day. Whatever they were talking about was way too important and made the fact that they were getting on a train simply something they were doing. Lugging their overweight bags in beside them, blocking other passengers' view of what seats were available, they just continued to spew words at each other without so much as a pause to hear what the other way saying. The further they continued, the louder the conversation got. The louder it got, the higher their pitches seem to get and, at one point, all I could hear were the occasional "Oh my Gods!" and "Shut ups!"
It is just great to be young and full of energy, I thought. But now, to get back to reality - if you are not going to sit in the provided seats on the subway, do not find a section of empty seats and proceed to block it by standing there, chit chatting like you're at a bar. For six stops, these fairies yappered on about the joys of being young and beautiful, oblivious to the fact that there was an older population of riders needing to sit down. I wouldn't have been so upset if they were actually sitting in those seats, but they weren't even using them. Ladies, shut up for like a second. Look around and realize what you are doing. MOVE! Then you can proceed to continue the ever-so-engaging conversation for as long as you want.
So there you have lesson #30. Simply put, if you are going to board the subway as a group, make sure you don't end up blocking the seating area for those of us that actually need it.

Lesson #29-Wait until everyone has gotten off

It is a relatively known fact that the subway revolves around the concept of the survival of the fittest. However, within that concept are things that allow for a certain level of structure. For instance, when the train pulls up and the doors open, it is common courtesy to let all the passengers wanting to get off the train, get off and only then proceed the grueling process of getting on. And just in case any of you were unaware of the fact that the train operator will not leave the platform until all the people waiting to get on the train are on, I just told you, so now you have no excuse.
In any case, there are still some people that are unaware of the simple concept of waiting until everyone has gotten off before getting on, so this recital of a recent Red Line event will attempt to put some things in perspective- an attempt to educate perhaps. Once the stop is announced, those that are going to get off begin to gather their things and start heading for the door. The same can be observed on the other side. Once the train arriving is announces, those that are going to get on begin to gather their things and start heading for the door. When the doors open, there seems to be a malfunction with the machine that is the subway and both groups move towards each other, causing friction, which in turn results in tension, which undoubtedly ends in an act of violence.
A rather ballsy asian lady, weighing in at no more than 120 pounds began pushing her way onto oncoming traffic at the Red Line stop - Central Square. Unfortunately for her, those that were getting off were way more eager to get off than those that were wanting to get on. That fact, combined with her tiny frame did not make for an even battle. She made it halfway inside the train, when a group of latecomers, rushing to get off, forced her out again, causing her to bang into the side of the train. With a hurt look and an under-the-breath "Ouch", she pulled back and joined the others, waiting patiently to get on the train.
So there you have lesson # 29. Simply put, wait until everyone has gotten off before getting on, or you might end up getting hurt.

Lesson #28-Try not to use your phone

Not so long ago, the telephone was known simply as a means of communication. Today, it is an essential part of our everyday lives. It is hard to imagine life without one. With that in mind, it is not at all surprising that the subway is filled with passengers on their phones, either using it to text, to listen to music or to have ridiculously loud and unnecessary conversations on. I understand that there are times in ones life where a phone conversation is a matter of life or death. Describing the events of a party one went to is not one of those times.
Actually, it is better to keep your mouth shut the entire duration of your journey on the subway for the mere simple fact that no one is really interested in hearing what you have to say. Of course, you just happen to be one of those few people that simply doesn't care who is around at the time of a conversation, the details of which must be spilled at that precise moment in time.
I would like to point out, in the hope that this might make you change your mind, that since nine out of ten times the conversation is loud enough to be heard on the other end of the cart, those around are forced to listen to whatever it is you are saying. The smart ones bring their Ipods and try to tune out the noise that is your phone conversation by blaring their music as loud as their ears will take it, which contributes to the already noisy environment. Thanx for that!
If the fact that you are forcing people to listen to your conversation isn't enough to make you wait the five minutes until you get off, then you can approach the whole situation from a different angle. By talking loudly on your phone, you are attracting attention to yourself. The interesting thing is that the minute someone glances over at the person who is talking, that person lowers their voice and looks away, as if embarrassed, not wanting to be noticed. Hello! Why don't you just not attract the attention in the first place? That way no one will even know you are there.
So there you have lesson #28. Simply put, if you can avoid it, try not to use your phone, or you might end up attracting unnecessary attention.

Lesson #27-Don't open carbonated beverages

This is one of those many instances in life when you think that it will never happen to you. Of course you know better, but the lack of life experience and naivety kick in and you think "what the hell," it won't happen to me. Let me tell you, it most probably will. Especially when we are referring to something that can be scientifically proven. Simple physics. Here goes. If you have a can of soda and it has been shaken up, when you open it, the content of it will ALWAYS come spewing out into your face, onto your clothes and even onto those around you.

This was one of those moments - the one we always pray for. The one where someone else's stupidity results in total humiliation, which turns into a form of entertainment for us. So there she was, Barbie herself, all done up right and proper, heading somewhere fancy I presumed. She had the whole number down; chewing bubble gum, blowing bubbles, clicking her fake, manicured fingernails against each other, looking around, not able to sit still. When her bubble gum flavor finally wore off, she decided to get rid of it and replace it with something else. Reaching in her bag, she retrieved two items: a piece of used gum wrapping, which she wrapped around her gum and threw back in her bag and a can of diet (go figure) soda.

I knew what was going to happen next, so, naturally, I watched. If you have ever used a big shoulder bag like she was using, you would know too. There is so much space in there, that even if you pack it with everything you could possible think off, there is still enough space for a can of soda to shift around and around and around. You get the idea. Tapping her finger on top of the can, she almost seemed to be entirely sure that once she popped the can open, the soda wouldn't spill. Boy oh boy, was she wrong. The sheer force with which the content of that can came spewing out was awesome. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. It went EVERYWHERE! Mostly on her face, but also all over the font of her shirt, onto her pants and a little onto the person sitting directly to the right of her. It was my time to get off the train, so I didn't see how she attempted to clean that up, but all I wanted to say was, "What were you thinking?"

So there you have lesson #27. Simply put, don't open a carbonated beverage when it has been laying around in your bag, especially if you are going somewhere fancy.

Lesson #7- Don't get too comfortable

The subway is not your home. There is no need to get comfortable. In fact, it is highly encouraged to be uptight and timid. Leaning sideways against a chair, feet up on the seat next to you, leaning your elbow against the seat railing by your shoulder is not proper subway behavior for a number of reasons. 

First of all, I don't ever want to see you crotch area, ever when it is covered by the fabric of your pants. Unfortunately, the minute you place one knee on the seat next to you and leave the other planted on the floor, that will happen. Second of all, the vibe you send by sitting like that is one of arrogance and self indulgence and, trust me, no one likes an arrogant, self indulgent person. 

So you put the two together, and you have a self indulging, arrogant, crotch-exposing prick! No thank you! Instead, may I suggest that you sit with your back touching the back of the seat, keep your feet on the ground (unless you are crossing your legs,) and place your hands on your lap. 

Finally, keep in mind that by appearing comfortable, you are making the other passengers very uncomfortable. Watching someone else spread across two seats makes the fact that I am sitting in my seat upright and motionless that much more painful. It's like am I being too uptight or is the crotch exposing monster being too relaxed? (Come to think of it, maybe he was drunk?) Regardless, let's not forget the subway rules. Let's not get too comfortable. 

So there you have lesson #7. Simply put, don't get too comfortable, as it will make those around you rather uncomfortable.